Learning to Live Again
by ballistics belle
Summary: A friend listens to you when you need a shoulder. A lover takes on you pain when it becomes too much to carry all alone. An angel, does both. HC eventually.
1. Do Not Stand At My Grave

**A/N:** Wow, it's been a really long time since i posted an actual story. Sorry about that. Warning, this is not the sequal to Broken, i repeat this is not a sequal. This is something completely different. The follow up to Broken is coming, its just taken longer than i anticipated.

**Do Not Stand At My Grave**

_Freedom, well, that's just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone. - The Eagles, Desperado_

Horatio Caine was not a man who believed in superstitions. He wasn't the kind to swear that he had a black cloud over his head. But when he found himself becoming accustomed to the pain and grieving that came with losing the ones he loved, he started to think that, maybe he was cursed.

Long ago when he was no more than ten, he used to overhear his father talking about the Caine Curse. At the time, he was frightened by it. But as time went on and he got older, the stories became just that; stories, tall tales with no hard evidence to back the theory. Thinking about it now he could see it all too clearly; those who believed it, fell victim to it.

The first time he realized that the curse really existed was when Raymond died. After that, Horatio fought. He fought to keep the thoughts at bay. But the more he resisted, the bigger the price he paid.

Al Humphries was the first, but it didn't hit him until Tim. That one hurt the worse. The men's only mistake was being close to Horatio. That's why women were not allowed to get too close. Those that did suffered more than heartache. But two managed to slip through the cracks.

Calleigh and Marisol somehow were able to sneak past his barriers when he wasn't looking. (Later, he would admit that Calleigh had always there, he just never wanted to admit it.)

Horatio couldn't really explain why he was drawn to Marisol. Lord knows he shouldn't have been. Not only was she one of his employees' sister, she was also nearly 20 years his junior. But she was a sultry dark haired Cuban beauty and he was a total sucker for that type.

The warning signs were clearly there. She came with her own pain fully loaded before she even met him. But Horatio Caine was also a sucker for damsels in distress and Marisol was their poster girl. He wanted to save her, he needed to save her. But try as he might, the curse proved stronger, leaving him standing at a gravesite.

Only this time, he was too defeated to pick himself up and put his life back together yet again.

Eric stood with family up front next to the grave. By all rights, he should have been up there as well. He was her husband, short marriage or not. Instead, he stayed at the back and watched in painful silence. Father Long gave a lovely sermon and spoke of her beautifully. He didn't hear a word.

He had disappeared from that world the moment she arrived. She had no reason to be there. She hadn't known Marisol personally and he knew that she wasn't there for Eric. That relationship had long since been dying and recent events had only served to sever any connections completely. No, there was only one reason why the blonde stood by his side at a stranger's grave.

She was there for him.


	2. Unfortunate

**Unfortunate**

_You pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm okay, sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day. - Sarah MacLachlan, Push_

"I failed, Calleigh." The words spilled out of his mouth but it wasn't his voice. That belonged to a hopeless soul, one that had given up. Calleigh wanted to shake him,wake the corpse that stood next to her. Instead, she stood perfectly still and let him expose his soul to her.

"I failed Ray, I failed Tim, I failed her and Eric." His head fell down till his chin touched his chest and his voice went real soft. "And I failed you."

"You've never failed me, Horatio. You couldn't if you tried." Her voice was soft but her eyes were stern, serious. "You didn't fail her either."

"Yeah but-"

"No. You did what you promised. You loved her till her dying day and you found her killer."

"Rias is going to walk a free man and you and I both know that." Horatio growled, bile rising in the back of his throat.

"One way or another, justice will be served." Calleigh assured almost a little too confidently. He tried to read her but she was blank.

"What about the others?" He asked.

"Eric will never fault you. He worships you too much, and right now you two need each other. You're both after the same thing and misery loves company. As for Tim? He respected you, a lot." She hesitated to go on and he knew it.

"And Ray?"

"You know I can't tell you that." He did but, right now he wanted hope, false or not. He wanted to believe every word she said because it would mean that he wasn't cursed, just unfortunate.


	3. Words of Wisdom

**Words of Wisdom**

_In my hour of darkness, she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom. - The Beatles, Let It Be_

The service had ended but neither made any attempt to leave.

"Why, Cal? Why did they all have to die for my mistakes?" Horatio stared out on the graveyard through his ever present shades.

"Who said they were your mistakes?" Calleigh reached up and pulled the glasses off. He turned to face her.

"Who said they weren't?"

"Touché." She looked up into his eyes before she started to slowly walk. Horatio followed. "You can't blame yourself for every bad thing that happens in life. It hurts too much to live like that." They walked in silence for awhile while she collected her thoughts. "You have done so much good in your life, Horatio, and you continue to do more every day. But it seems to me like you only focus on the bad. It's the one thing I can't figure out about you."

"The one?" He asked skeptically.

"I'm a better detective than you give me credit for Lieutenant. I've had almost eight years to study you. But nice try trying to change the subject." Calleigh stopped walking. She wanted to look him in the eye when she asked her next question. "Why do you hide from the good things in life?"

"What do you mean?" He asked, voice shaking. He knew exactly what she meant; he just didn't want to go there.

"It just seems like you would rather hide in the dark and lick your wounds than be in the light, where there's a possibility that something good might happen." She spoke honestly. Horatio hung his head. Emotions were running way too close to the surface and she was way too good at reading him.

"I can't, Cal. I just can't." He said hoarsely. She didn't push it anymore.

"I'm sorry, Horatio. It isn't my place to delve into your heart." She went to take a step back but he stopped her by taking her hand and pulling her into a hug.

"Thank you, for being here." He whispered as he held her tightly.

"There's no where else I'd rather be."


	4. Holding On

**Holding On**

_I look around for the friends I used to turn to pull me through. Looking into their eyes, I see them running, too. - Jackson Browne, Running On Empty_

Horatio was slipping. His soul was broken to the point of no repair. Despair clouded his eyes and his body bent under the weight of it all. Other stood by helplessly and watched as the grief slowly destroyed him.

The team was suffering as well. They all felt suffocated by the depression that claimed the two men closest to Marisol. But Horatio and Eric never even noticed the toll their pain was taking on Calleigh and Ryan. They were too blinded by anger and sorrow to see the consequences. Ryan noticed the distance between them all but Calleigh felt it.

3 people, who had been so close not so long ago, now were oceans apart from each other. Interactions were cold and light hearted conversation was anything that wasn't an argument.

Her heart hurt every time Eric brushed her aside. It hurt when Horatio looked at her with a strangers' eye. But the worst, was late at night when the lab was quiet. That's when her mind would wonder back to those happy memories. To the way they were before death ripped them all apart. Those were the times when the pain got to be too much and her tears fell.

But her pain was private. She refused to let it be known to anyone that her heart was breaking. Everyday she wore a brave face and held on like hell to what they still had. She held on to them because it was all she knew to do.

She couldn't fix Eric's pain. She couldn't turn Ryan into Speed and she couldn't mend Horatio's broken heart. But she still held on. Because, she wanted to believe that someday they would need each other again.


	5. Before My Eyes

**Before My Eyes**

_Although your heart is in pieces and you can't find a reason to try, you're not alone while I'm still standing by. - Chicago, You're Not Alone_

It had been a typical Monday morning. Or at least what she had come to know as typical. She sat through the morning huddle and tried to ignore the heaviness in her heart as she stared at the faded memories of the men she used to know.

Eric hadn't been the same since Marisol died. Of course, neither had Horatio. But while Eric had become enraged, Horatio was subdued.

The life had faded in his sapphire eyes. The lines around his eyes had gotten a little deeper and it even seemed like the red in his hair was tamer. Overall, he just looked…old, like he had aged ten years. She wanted to help him but didn't know how.

"Just talk to him." Alexx, who probably knew Horatio better than anyone, suggested.

"Yeah, because he's so open and articulate with his feelings." Calleigh replied sarcastically.

"It can't hurt." Alexx shrugged. Calleigh had her doubts but somehow she found her still climbing the staircase to his office later that morning.

Horatio was sitting at his desk, working on his paperwork. But she could tell by the look in his eye, his mind was somewhere else. She entered silently and sat down in the chair in front of his desk.

"Last night while I was driving home, I swore I saw her. The walk, the hair, I swear I even smelled her perfume. I swore it was her, Calleigh. But when I called her name, no one responded." Horatio stared off into nothing as he spoke. A small smile crept onto his face when he talked but it brought no joy, only tears to her eyes. She reached out and put a hand on his.

"It's going to get better."

"When Calleigh? When is it going to get better? It's been two months and I still see her everywhere. So when is it going to get better? When will I stop seeing her? When will I stop feeling guilty?" Horatio snapped. Calleigh pulled her hand back and sat up straight.

"Grief doesn't have a time table, Horatio. And being angry at me doesn't change anything. Marisol is dead. And you can't do anything about that. The only thing you can do is keep her in memory and move on with your life." She informed sternly. He turned his head to finally look her in the eye.

"How do I move on?"

"You can start by letting people in! By letting me in. I want to help you. But I can't do that if you're just going to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. It's up to you, Horatio; you're the only one who can change you." Almost at the verge of totally losing it, Calleigh jumped up and took off out of his office and down the stairs. Horatio sat back in his chair and tried to comprehend what had just occurred.

In the nearly ten years that he had known her, he had never once seen her lose her cool. He'd heard about her going off on Ryan a few times but he'd never actually witnessed it himself.

To be perfectly honest, it scared him a little. Calleigh was the cool, calm and collected one with southern charm added as a bonus. If she were upset, what did that say about the rest of them?

Desperately wanting to go run after her and beg for forgiveness but knowing that she needed time to cool off. Horatio returned to his paperwork and tried to think of a way to make this right.

br

"He's hopeless, Alexx. They all are." Calleigh huffed as she burst through the door to autopsy theatre. Alexx looked up from her patient with a raised eyebrow.

"I take it your talk with Horatio didn't go well?" Calleigh glared at her friend knowingly.

"That man is going to self destruct and there isn't a damn thing any of us can do about it." She insisted. Alexx sighed.

"Cal, sweetheart, you can't give up on him like that." She frowned. Calleigh shook her head.

"I'm not giving up, he's giving up on himself." She exclaimed as she started to pace back and forth. "You know, if there's one thing that I've learned from my father is that you can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves." She stopped suddenly as fear rushed over her. "Alexx, you don't think that Horatio's been drinking do you?" Alexx shrugged.

"Who knows what happens when he goes home at night?" she said with a wave of her hand. Calleigh sighed and ran her hands through her hair.

"Great, just what I need, to sit back and watch another person I love disappear right before my eyes."


	6. Grace and Defeat

**Grace and Defeat**

"_God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change...Courage to change the things I can...And the Wisdom to know the difference._"  
- Serenity Prayer

Calleigh hated being mad

Growing up in the Deep South, it had been drilled into her brain from the day she was born that proper southern belles never lost their tempers. Always calm and collected, a true lady never raised her voice, even in the tensest situations.

Calleigh Duquesne was a proper southern belle.

But there were two things that would set her off hotter and faster than a firecracker on the fourth of July; being lied to and feeling helpless.

And boy, when she got angry, she could give Scarlet O'Hara a run for her money. She never became physically violent when she was angry, but she had more than once stricken fear in the eyes of even the strongest grown man.

But Horatio wasn't one of them.

Because it wasn't fear she saw in his eyes when she finally snapped, it was confusion. She could tell from the very depths of his dark blue eyes that he didn't understand why she said the things she said to him. And to tell the truth, neither did she.

Horatio meant so much to her than just friend and colleague and that's why it was so frustrating to her to see him like this. This sad, pathetic man was not Horatio. At least not the one she knew.

Horatio was a strong man who took his pain and turned it into something useful. He didn't sit around and lick his wounds. He fought for justice. He fought for the ones who couldn't speak for themselves anymore. And now, he'd just given up.

She couldn't blame him for wanting to give up. It wasn't like life had exactly dealt him the easiest hand to play. But she couldn't let it happen. He had always been the strong one, the rock, the support system of the team. If he went down, they all did.

Calleigh sighed as she shut her locker door and as she headed out of the locker room, she just prayed for God to give the grace she needed to get through all of this.

br

Horatio hated being wrong.

In police work, he couldn't afford to be wrong. Wrong didn't get suspects or convictions. Wrong got pink slips.

He was used to having suspects and lawyers make accusations against him, he just tuned them out. Most of the time it was just desperate rantings of people who didn't want to face the consequences of their actions.

And he was used to having Alexx tell him he was wrong, at least about his personal life. That was just how she got her point across to him.

But never, in all these years, had he ever had Calleigh tell him he was wrong.

It rattled him. Calleigh was his right hand man (so to speak). She was the support system, the rock, not just for the team but for him as well. She was the one that that would follow him to the depths of hell and back if he ever asked her to.

Not to say that she was a mindless puppet that he pulled the string on, but they were so in sync with each other that they thought a like. So for her to disagree with him and to do it so vehemently was definitely unsettling.

But she was right. And though he didn't want to, it was something he had to admit to. He was in bad shape and he wasn't getting any better on his own and she pointed that fact out to his face. No beating around the bush, no sugar coating it, just cold hard facts.

After tossing and turning all night, replaying her words over and over again in his head, Horatio had finally come to the conclusion that it was time to fess up and concede defeat.

He was drowning and Calleigh was his lifesaver.


	7. The First Step

**The First Step**

**A/N: **So, I can't decide, should this be the last chapter or should I go on?

_Only you can set you free. - Living Color, Cult Of Personality_

The day was not starting out well.

After leaving her deep thoughts in the locker room, Calleigh headed into the break room for her first cup of coffee and a few quiet minutes to recollect herself and get herself focused on the day ahead of her. That plan quickly died when she reached

the break room door.

Already inside, Eric and Ryan were engaged in their morning argument, only this morning it seemed to have risen from argument to shouting match.

Sighing heavily, she entered anyways, hoping go in, get her coffee and leave before she got roped into playing referee for the two.

Neither one seemed to notice her presence until she reached the counter and saw the coffee pot totally empty.

"Damn it." She swore as she slammed her hands down onto the counter. Eric turned around to look at her.

"What's your problem?" He asked. Calleigh shook her head.

"Nothing, everything is just peachy frickin' keen." She muttered as she turned around and walked back out.

Now in an even worse mood, she stomped down to the ballistics lab. She was on her way over to the gun vault when she noticed it. Sitting on her desk was a bouquet of two dozen yellow and white tulips in a beautiful glass vase with a card propped up next to it.

Walking back over to it, she picked up the card and opened it. Inside was a business sized piece of cardstock paper. On one side, her name was written in a simple script. On the other side were three words:

You were right.

Putting the card back in the envelope, Calleigh smiled.

Maybe this day wouldn't be so bad after all.

br

"Knock knock." Calleigh turned around to see Horatio standing in the doorway. Her smile slightly and Horatio took that as an invitation to enter.

"Thank you for the flowers. I didn't know you knew my favorite flowers." She said as she gestured to the flowers.

"Hmm," he hummed with a little eyebrow raise. "I also know that people send white tulips when they want to ask for someone forgiveness." Calleigh's smiled fell as she sighed.

"Horatio, you're not the one who needs to be asking for forgiveness, I am. I had no right to say the things I said to you." Horatio shook his head.

"No, you had _every _right to say what you said to me. To be honest, you're the only one who's had the courage to say it to my face." He admitted.

She turned her head away, not wanting him to look her in the eye. They'd give her away in a heart beat.

"It wasn't courage." she muttered.

"Yes it was." He retorted. "Calleigh, I wish I could be like you. I wish I could carry the kind of load that you do and I wish could do it with the grace that you do. You are an amazing woman and it's because of you that I want to change."

"Horatio," She started as she turned her head back towards him. "You can't do this because _I _want it for you; _you _have to want it for yourself."

"I want it, Cal. I really do. And I know that Mari would want me to move ahead." He assured her. Calleigh finally gave a real smile.

"Good, cause that's the first step."


End file.
